I’ve written this yesterday, it was meant to be something quick, but turned out to be this big messy train of thoughts.. I am also to lazy now to edit it.. since I don’t have much time actually.. so I just post it as-is:
A lot of thinking was involved in making this decision, while the same time I feel there was not. I could spend several more weeks or months thinking… But I guess that wouldn’t make sense either. The past months, or especially the last six weeks or so thing were really strange. I was angry and mad every day sitting on the tram, mad at strangers and people in my surrounding.. I don’t know why and what it was.. but it was almost too much… and besides that I felt anxiety, social anxiety, something I haven’t felt in a long time. Things were really strange. And now the last weeks I tried to find a job, and always got close but the moment I told them I only have four months left on my visa, they couldn’t hire me. There was one job here in Melbourne that seemed perfect, they were looking for someone for a few months only, but it turned out they didn’t need me after all… so I thought, why not just pack my bag and go from town to town and find something on the road, it shouldn’t be a big problem, there are lots of jobs in WA, and I just have to get there, spend a few days of looking and I’m pretty sure I would find something. Maybe no hotel work, but farming, factory or stuff like that. And in a way I almost wouldn’t mind working with animals or something, I might even enjoy it, and after all I could go pick fruits again, I did have a pretty good time in Tasmania, and miss the easy life, it really was an easy life. Meeting people every day, making friends, I really felt I freed myself, became a bit crazy, wild, crazy, and we all seemed to have lots of fun. It was a meaningful time after all – and still is. But somehow, something in me tells me I don’t want that, I don’t wanna go out again, look, meet new people, it would feel like I repeat something, would do it all over again. And can you really repeat something that was that great the first time? I should have asked her that, if it’s great, wild, and crazy, every single time. Maybe it is. The thing is, the last time I thought about doing that, in my mind I was doing it with her, we would go somewhere, find work, have fun, have a great time. Now, I feel like, it wouldn’t bring me much all on my own.. yeah I might meet people and have lots of fun after all, but it wouldn’t be the same, it would be me trying to repeat, overcome, and maybe I don’t want that. Even though there was one thing I’ve never really done on my trip, that’s going town by town, working for a little while, and then moving on. That’s how I imagined Canada would be, but at the end I got stuck in Toronto for two years. I have to say, I have no regrets at all, if it wasn’t for my last half a year – a year there it wouldn’t have been the same experience. I think I needed that time to really figure out myself, make my first steps towards my future, my goals, etc. In New Zealand I didn’t even plan to go from town to town, I did a little, like I started in Queenstown, made my way hitchhiking to Christchurch, checking out several places along the road, but wasn’t really lucky. I needed a job right away and many places told me to check again next week, talk to someone on Monday and so on.. I was broke and didn’t have time, and I guess the waiting part is the worst, waiting for work to start. But so in NZ I ended up staying in Christchurch for most of the time, a little road trip at the end, and here I went to Melbourne. First nine months I didn’t work much, but extended my knowledge in film making, and in a way I needed that to gain some very basic experiences just so I could do some things later. Nine months passed, realized I wanna stay another, so I had to go to Tasmania, almost no money, not knowing where I’ll end up.. and I did feel somehow thing will work out, I think that’s what I felt, they just had too, it was a risk I know.. but I managed, and fuck, thinking of all that happened and how it affected and changed my life forever, how it changed my journey, everything around it, my hearts starts beating fast, if I think about it a bit longer I’m pretty sure I could cry right now. For nothing in the world would I change everything that happened there and after… well.. maybe if I would have known I would have done a few things different here in Melbourne, maybe after all I got lost during my long nights, lost the wild me, the crazy me, lost her with it at the end. Even though I still hope, I did not, I still hope there is something, I still hope that the letter I’ve sent makes sense not only to me, but to her too. But that’s between us, and us only. Now here I am, at the point – I will be leaving Australia within the next few weeks! I am sorry for not exploring Australia much more, for not having the same passion for this country. I wish I would have seen WA and Alice, but in a way, I don’t wanna do it just to do it, I feel like it’s something I would wanna do with someone, someone really close, it’s something I want to share. Who knows, maybe some day I will come back, maybe some day I am ready for it and I will see it after all. It’s hard to explain the mental state I am in right now. Also, it’s been 6 1/2 years I’ve been traveling. How much more do I wanna see? How much have I seen? Some people don’t really understand the way I am traveling, neither do I sometimes, but it’s not only about the seeing, and going places, it’s about the experiencing, the feeling, the being, so for me traveling Oz from town to town, seeing places, it is appealing, but it’s not enough right now, there is still so much more on my way, so much more I wanna discover and have to find out about myself, while traveling this country with someone, it would have been something completely else, it would have been about the seeing too, but mostly it would have been the experiencing, the sharing, the being with someone, exploring a country and with it our own and each others mind. I really don’t wanna feel bad about this, I don’t wanna think I am running away because things didn’t work out. The past weeks I felt more and more, well, if I’ve really come to the end of this thing here, if there is not much left to do except making money, waiting, I felt more and more that I wanna be somewhere else, I wanna arrive at a place where I can finally really start to work on my dreams. There is only so much I can do while I’m on the road, even if I live in once city for a year or two, there is always a limit. And maybe others don’t have that limit and they can work and create wherever they are, well I can not, or can not yet. I think for this I need to broaden my base first, I need to finish this trip here. While finishing only means, I’ll have made it around the world. Now more than ever, I am afraid of Germany, afraid it feels like a real end and all that happened will just fade away, it scares the shit out of me and just wants me to stay longer, travel longer, skipping ever going to Germany and going somewhere else instead, because of that, now more than ever I have to realize, it’s not the end, it’s not the end of my journey, it’s the whole opposite. My life has just started, and this journey that has started so many years ago, it’s not about me going around the world alone anymore. It’s me becoming the person I can be, and want to be, it’s creating what I want to create, being the way I want to be. The past weeks I felt ready, I felt it is time, and every once in a while for a split second I thought, let’s just go now, timing wise I think it would be great, the weather would be right, and so on…of course I abandoned this feeling fast, thinking about making more money, gaining financial security that I feel I do need once I am in Germany, it would make things easier to start out with some money, being able to get a good cam so I can start with my art etc. Well, but two days ago, out of no where I made the choice, let’s go now, first I was excited, then afraid, all of a sudden I did not feel ready anymore, so many things I haven’t achieved, does it mean I failed? Will my trip be a failure? Am I now in a worse state than I was as I left over six years ago? Did I rather destroy myself, struggle, instead of making the needed moves forward? What if I am rushing it now? What if I don’t even wanna be in Asia? But I don’t wanna be here either? I feel I need to see her again, even hoped somewhere deep in my mind, well, maybe after all we could still travel together, since it meant so much to me. I just feel really lost and alone now, since I made that decision to go. I noticed a few things that are very important, one is who I want and need to somehow keep in my life, because it has a meaning and is important, I noticed I have no clue if this is the right choice…. hundreds and thousands of questions, worries, things to do.. It would be so much easier if I had a job already now, something in the city, something to go to every day, not to worry, not to think about, and in three and a half months I would leave because I wouldn’t have any other choice, I would have more money, even though the seasons wouldn’t be right, would mean I would have to find a decent place for the winter, that would give me in total almost another year before I would even get close to Germany. It seems so much more safe and secure, it wouldn’t require me to make big choices, everything would just fall into place. I’m just wondering, going for security, time, letting it all happen that way, is this the right way because I don’t rush thing, I left them happen the way they are supposed to happen, or is the wrong way, since it basically doesn’t require me to risk anything, doesn’t require me to make any choices. Hmmm…. Almost with a smile in my face I am looking next to my bed. There is have a box with, well, stuff in it, a hard drive with footage, a whole bunch of different note books, and a book that I always planned to continue reading but never did. An old, and unfortunately lost, friend recommended this to me some time ago. It’s called “The Path of Least Resistance” and even though I do not completely agree with some statement, it does bring over one main message, it does talk about the fact that we’re always going the easy way, the way without challenges, we let things happen and wouldn’t risk a thing to change or anything. Now, this does seem to give me something to think about, to easy my worries. While the same time, I just realize there are three possible paths. One is staying here, working in Melbourne, Asia, Europe, a winter thinking somewhere, then Berlin… definitely the past of least resistance… seems easy, as if it’s meant to be, but I think I do mistake here, just because it’s easy and secure, is it really meant to be? If this would be the case I would be fixing computers in Germany right now… now the 2nd on one would be traveling Oz, not knowing if I will find a job, definitely risky, might not even find a good job, but I don’t have to work long, can just go somewhere else. It’s gonna be boring on my own, but I might find an amazing place like I did in Taz, and I would see the country a bit more, even though I am not too sure if I want to, I mean, it never really interested me in the first place, but slowly I do gain interest, but is it enough though? The third path would be, well, what I think of doing, going now, traveling Asia, Eastern Europe, going to Germany, starting with my art and make things moving. I can see more and more how staying in Melbourne is ruled out.. but traveling Oz… it’s really one or the other.. what if traveling Oz gives me the same creative spark being in Taz gave me? But what if not, than I wasted money and time. Going to Asia, somehow I though at first it’s the middle way, kind of in between, but now it seems like the most radical to me. It means going almost now, it means less money, it means I have no clue if I’m ready for Asia, Eastern Europe, and even less Germany. It seems so much is involved and I am not sure about any of this. Like can I really, in my mind, get to the one point where I was unable to go at any time in the past six and a half years? I do know I am a procrastinator, and I guess traveling that long instead of the one year initially planned, what if lately all it is is me procrastinating? Because if I leave now, that’s my last big step, there is no way of return, I finally have to face myself, my future, my dreams, all I always thought I can do, now I would have to do them, and I felt ready, I felt I finally need to do it, but it’s crazy the moment you’re about to. Alright, maybe I needed this writing session here. I’ve confirmed my choice. I will go, I will chose the extreme way, no more waiting around, I’ll risk it, I’ll do it, I think it is time for me, no I don’t think, IT IS time for me! And yes I would like to talk to you, now more than ever, since there is not much time. Shit it feels I’m doing something crazy here right now! It’s like deciding I’ll travel, it’s like leaving the boat, selling my cam and flying to New York with my last money, it’s like buying my ticket to Cuba after I had this dream about that girl, it’s like deciding to stay in Austin and joining the Moroadtrip instead of traveling the US on my own. This was a funny story actually, I was laying on my friends couch, my head on a pillow and I was thinking, should I do it or not? And I realized, traveling on a big hippie bus through the US, it’s like a dream, and the same moment I noticed that’s what was written on the pillow, not the whole thing, only the word dream.. well sometimes I do need a little push, like the book just now.. : ) Oh, and being here over a year ago, as I realized I wanna stay another year, buying my ticket to Taz the same night it was another of those crazy choices. So, I have to say, even though things did not always turn out the way I expected, like I did not meet any girl I dreamed of in Cuba, I actually had a really tough time, but artistically, this was somehow a break though for me, so worth every minute. And the last week was really great.. : ) Even the road trip was different than I expected. But so was going to Taz, I was prepared to just be there, work every day, read at night, not meet many people, be on my own, clear my head, and well, I made friends for live, learned about me a lot, learned about my past more than I thought, finally I was able to understand what happened back then, most of it at least, or the beginning of it, but at the end, the thing I expected the least, I met a girl who has become part of my life forever, who changed me, who made me think, who freed me, even though back then we still had no clue about any of this. So, it seems like, I do have a history of making choices like this, and usually they did something to my life, it wasn’t always easy, and I am not sure what’s gonna happen next, how I will like any of this, any of the things that will come in the next few months. But I guess I just have to find out.. how was that quote? Adventures don’t begin until you walk into the forest.
Rock ‘n’ Roll!